You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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