hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
