i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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