I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
