I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
