A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You were trust falling into bushes
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
