Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
