today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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