If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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