Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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