Don't make out with my wife yet
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize