For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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