there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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