I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You can't special order awesome
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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