i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
