I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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