pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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