so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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