He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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