alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
