I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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