The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
