Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
