I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
