You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
