i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
