I cockslap morals
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize