Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize