On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
