We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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