im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
