its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize