woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
