I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize