One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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