did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
