if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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