new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
