Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
