Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think my moral compass just broke
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