I wish I could teleport
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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