my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
