So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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