You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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