the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
