got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Who died my cat blue again?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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