you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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