Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
