Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize