she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
