I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
