Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
