I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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