I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
