I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
