Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize