I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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