omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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