He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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