I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
