Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
