nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We got so high we made milksteak
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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