Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
