you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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