I am spending my child support on dildos
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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